Its been a dizzying few weeks. All sorts of emotionally stretching activities. Being an entrepreneur is emotionally hard. ;) at least, at first.
So. the ads at theknot.com have been up since last Friday. it has been almost a week, and I have received two email inquiries (from the knot i believe), one which i met with yesterday. And one call from a bridesmaid of a couple whose wedding i shot 3 years ago. Three contacts in a week. not bad. :)
This should make me excited, and it does. Very. :) but unexpectedly, I found myself up against feelings of doubt and personal ego. I found myself feeling that they might not like me. and feeling the pressure to perform up to expectations, expectations i had less a firm grasp upon than I liked.
This all, I think, will pass. I’m new to this kind of situation. I want so badly for things to go really well (and honestly, I believe they will. don’t mistake this for a pity party.) that I feel more pressure than normal.
It has revealed to me a side of myself I wasn’t fully aware of though. I’m a worrier. ;) I come from a long line of worriers. I don’t worry in the traditional sense, but I do tend to dwell on things much longer than is profitable, wondering how it will turn out, and feeling unsettled by the prospects of it going a direction I don’t like.
This is something I think has had its subtle fingers in my life for a long time, and frankly, I welcome the opportunity to dig it out. I can’t sleep when I travel because I’m afraid I’ll miss something. I tend to meddle in places too long when I shouldn’t because I don’t like not being in control of my own destiny. I don’t like to trust God, or other people, until I know where they are heading, because I want to be in control, and when I’m not, I worry.
My natural tendency, when confronted with this problem is to stop caring. Thats a clever way of avoiding the problem I think. It doesn’t build anything, doesn’t strengthen anything. No risk, no reward.
So heres to practice. practicing trusting God, not by giving up, but by accepting that what God is going to do is going to be good, and whatever the circumstances, those i can simply enjoy as experiences, no more, no less.